Feeling low on confidence has been so much usual for me. Every day I have to motivate myself to do something, or just say anything. For once I felt I was depressed but it turns out that it is a common state of mind. In front of me lies a book called “Breaking Barriers” by Janaki Krishnan and I have only been planning to read it since morning, but couldn't. Also, emotional breakdowns have been happening to me for a very long time and often I find it really hard to explain them in words. Feeling worthless is what I can say it is, but deep inside I know that it’s more complicated.
I have been travelling in the metro every day for 2 hours to reach New Delhi from Gurgaon and I see ‘n’ number of unknown faces. Students leaving and coming back from colleges, office going individuals, people out of shopping and many more that may have varied reasons. But there is this one woman that I remember, she was sitting right next to me, wearing light makeup, a white suit, with her headphones, tucked into her ears and watching a video on her cell phone which she was holding with the support of her somewhat black bag kept on her laps. Gradually she shut her eyes and rested her head in reverse, I got a look at her phone's screen and she was viewing a one-hour video address on the best ways to deal with stress.
At that moment it just occurred to me, that maybe everyone travelling in this metro may have a reason to stress out and this feeling of emptiness, anxiety or worthlessness is common to the point that it has been inside everybody for quite a while. It’s like a parasite eating us from inside until we are damaged to an extent nothing can be repaired.
Why is it happening to most of us? Why it is that despite being physically fit, our mental state is being compromised at every step. We all are so enthusiastic and focused and energetic in the beginning, but slowly growing up happens and we lose track. There is an alternate picture of what we should be and what we are, which monstrosities us out. Can anyone explain why our own fantasies turn into the purpose for us being dismal?
I sit and often try to contemplate my jumbled thoughts, confusion is one of them. I do feel stressed but again a positive emotion called hope keeps me going on. I tell myself every day that better is yet to come. But how much time will it take till my hope lasts because that is the only constant preventing me from giving up.
To all the people out there who may find any resemblance to what I have written, we still may have not made sense of our ways. But we cannot let this parasite feed on our dreams and will, we know we can improve the situation and we will. I seriously have no idea how to deal with stress, because I can stress out even at the fact that I cannot open a jar. So it’s tough, tougher than we all think, but I guess being determined to rescue myself from its impact, will lead me somewhere better.